Spinning

My life is full of funny little things at the moment - I have a boyfriend that is 29 and that keeps going out and gambling. For the second time this month I've had to take home and make his mother deal with it - I've been dealing with this for so long and now I'm unsure of what to do. How do I do this - I'm scared that if he does keep doing it then I'm going to be dragged down with him as well. How do you know what to do - how do you know what the right thing to do is.

I bumped into my ex last night - he was with his new flower of a girlfriend... It was strange that I didn't feel anything for him - I'm unsure if he seen me or anything. It was just passing by - no words exchanged or anythingn like that... It had been the first time I've seen him in around 12 months. Strange to be honest.

Work is crap - I feel home sick from my family... and all of a sudden I feel like my worlds a little out of control. Anyway a gambling boyfriend, a witch storming up a few troubles at work - and all I feel like doing is hiding away.

The Gambling Issue

It happened again - but this time when I seen it it was worse than ever before. Every time I see it, its different and never the same. Maybe I just want to close my eyes and not see what is really going on. He gambled again, my lover. It was worse than anything I had seen because we were out having a few drinks after dinner with a girlfriend of mine from work. He was gone for about 45 minutes - maybe a little less. When I went upstairs to see him - he was doing it. He has issues with this - and I'm not sure how to help any more. Or if this is what I want in a partner. He pushed me away and said such horrible things - it wasn't until I pushed him in the taxi and he had 5 minutes to think about what he was doing that he started to break down and realise that he has really messed up. For once I actually called his bluff and worked up the courage to tell his parents. He's heading back to counciling as of tomorrow. But what abotu me? I know that this isn't all about me; but what should I do when he does this? I feel pushed away and I don't know how I can help and what I should be thinking.

Apart from all this I still love him. My love for him probably gets stronger because I know that he has faults and I know that I'm not perfect either. At the end of the day I always think that I can help him with this - but I can't and he needs to get it professionally.

Can love over come everything - or am I young and just dumb in all this and need to get out now while I still can. I'm not sure if any other girlfriends are out there and have to deal with this - or if they are as forgiving. Why do i still love him after all this??? I just can't work it out any more.

The Sopranos

This is my favorite show of all time - I've been following ever since the show came out. This is the last season - and it all wrappes up. I have a lot of history with this show. Strange to think that of a TV program but its true.
When I was with my ex boyfriend he and I went though a pretty rough patch (hence why he's my ex) - we ended up going through this thing where when I was over at his house he used to ignore me - I put up with it for such a long time - I'm going to say a good 6 months or something. Anyway while I was over; I ended up watching The Sopranos while he would pretty much ignore me. Firstly this was the way that I ended up enjoying the show so much.

Also my dad used to buy me a set every Christmas - then after Lunch I would just go and lay in bed and watch some episodes.

I love it... And its sad that this is the final season.

The Lie

How would you react to your boyfriend telling you a lie???? Through the week my boyfriend said that he was going the footy with the boys from work - last night I was told that he's actually only going with the new girl in the office and her friends.

So why lie about it? I wouldn't stop him - I think its a nice thing that he's being nice to a new person within his company. I don't have a problem with him being friends with anyone. I do have a problem with him telling me a lie because he thinks I'm going to stop him from doing what he wants.

Funny thing is that I wouldn't have a problem with it at all - but I do now because it feels like he's keeping something from me. Maybe I am over reacting - but I said he could go - and I told him to have a great time. I just hate the fact that he feels like he needs to lie to me. I thought I was a great girlfriend that just wouldn't be worried about that.

Anyway I hope he has fun and they all have a great time - I'm here in the comfort of my warm home watching the game - not the same but oh well really.

While I may sound pretty ok about the whole thing I'm actually a little worried - I love him and I hope he's not cheating on me. I guess time will only tell. I'm not going to let it get me down - as hurtful as the thought is.

Another big week in the city

Another celebratory week in the city - for the second time this month I've received a pay rise... Woohoo - the hard work that I'm putting in is paying off. And it makes me feel fantastic. Not only the money but I'm getting a great deal of job satisfaction - its a nice challenge.

A difficult situation that I feel that I've been put up for is the fact that Friday had an announcement that the witch thats only just joined the company (and I call her that becasue she can act like it at times - but also looks like one) - is talking over the administrative manager. She's not completely my manager - but I do have to take not of what she has to say to me at times. This part of my life I will keep you posted about because I'm sure that its going to be interesting.

The weekend consisted of me being lazy and not doing a great deal - I miss my weekend. I hate monday's - and I usually hate work on a monday. It takes until wednesday for me to get into the swing of things with work.

At the moment works is just really busy with work - but I at the moment the little side stories of people are on a low. I don't have enough time to really pay attention to these things. I'm not saying that its a bad thing or anything like that. People's personalities will come out and irritate me more... Stay tuned!

J

Devil Woman

Maybe devil woman is an over exaggeration type of thing - but I'm not kidding my work place is over the top! I have a girl at work that I'm now going to call Devil Woman when I refer to her... She and I have worked together for over 12 months now - during this time we have become close and became great friends.

I've known that this person is a moody person but its been taken to a new extream when I don't feel like I can confront her at work. She is so moody and very very horrible and rude to people. Its so annoying.

I know myself that I can get in bad moods - I don't deny that what so ever. But I will not call myself a moody person. She is a moody person and its difficult to be around.

Now I'm on the mind set that because I'm busy I'm not going to worry about it - its sad really when work gets in between friendships and things like that... I hate the fact that I can't see that our friendship will be the same again - I can't say never - but I know that I'll be a little more reserved around her now. I don't think that anyone should have to deal with this type of thing - and I believe that I shouldn't either.

Darker side of the city Part 1

This city is hard to grab hold of - this is Sydney for the people that don't recognise it. And just like most cities it comes with some warnings. Coming from the country I found it really difficult to begin with - and the really sad thing now is that the things that I found really difficult don't bother me any more and I hardly ever think of those things.

Homelessness has never stared me right in the face like it does in this city. When I first moved here it used to break my heart, I used to give money when I could. I used to look the homeless in the eye and smile - because I felt like I could hold my head up high because I hadn't done anything wrong and I'm a good person.

But along the way I don't really look at these people that I might pass about 5 times a week... I very rarely look them in the eye any more and I hardly ever give a begger off the street any money. I still don't think of myself as a bad person. But I guess i don't leave my house every day now and think that I can change the world.

I don't know if its a disappointing feeling or a feeling that is good that I can deal with life. Half the time I can hardly look after myself; but with saying that I do have a roof over my head and if i don't have any money - it will only be a couple of days or even a day until my money does come into my account.

4 years ago when i chose to move to Sydney I don't think i really thought about how it would effect me. For sure I've grown up and I'm a more independent and strong headed woman than i ever thought - but on the other hand I do think what if i stayed living in my home town and I lived at home with my parents or had a place of my own where the rent is cheaper and I could actually think of doing a little more with my life. I would love to travel over seas and have a huge adventure. The down side of living in an expensive city is the fact that i don't feel like i'll be able to afford to do this any time soon.

Its a sad realization for a Monday evening - but one that I do often think about...

Where is my future heading????? Anyone like to help me on this one????

Ok well time for bed - good night bloggers.

J xoxoxox

Big Brother 07

Does anyone out there like Big Brother 07? I love the show - currently I have it on my computer so I can read the house updates... Which I do while I'm also at work... And then on in the background I have it on the TV.
Every year it comes on I get so excited. I'm not too sure why... I would never consider entering the house because I would hate to have myself on TV. But I love to watch other people. I love to see what bored people are like. And to get to know people like they are your friends.

My tip on one of the top 3 is going to be Travis. He's the good all round aussie bloke that I would just love to hug and just get to know. He's my tip for the top 3 anyway.

James Morrison at the Enmore Theatre

I went to see this lad play last friday night at the Enmore Theatre and I do have to say that it was a massive shock to say that I thought he was fantastic.
And I have to say that from a females point of view he is dam sexy - that voice of his just captures you and you can't look away.
If anyone gets a chance to check this guy out - especially females you would be happily surprised. His CD really doesn't do him the justice that is deserved like when you see him live.
So people go out there and book a ticket if you can see him - its a fantastic show where he plays for a good hour or longer.

J

Missy Higgins at the Enmore Theatre

A couple of Friday nights I went to see Missy Higgins for the first time at the Enmore Theatre in Sydney. And I have to say that it was a fantastic show... She has an amazing voice and I'm really kicking myself that I haven't had a chance to see her before now.

I'm a huge supporter of Aussie music - I have a brother that loves his music and is just fantastic on the base. I hope that he makes it with his dreams just like she has.

I've never travelled overseas so I can't compare different gigs - but the ones that I go see from Australia and internationally really make you open your eyes and think how wonderful our life is really... And how a beautiful voice is really touching that you just want to listen to it again and again.

5 Stars for Missy Higgins - I would go see her again any time. Next time I hope its on a Saturday afternoon while I'm at the Hunter Valley or something very sensual like that - I can enjoy my wine and cheese with my partner. I think that would be my most ideal day.

J

My weekly rant about nothing!

You know when you just want to call in sick from work for one day and just spend it either having coffee with a friend - or doing your washing - or catch up on some homework that you just never seem to get around doing... Well thats what I've been looking at doing for the last 2 weeks but due to being hectic at work I just don't seem to work up the courage to do it as I've got such a hectic work schedule at the moment.
I know it seems pretty odd; I'm telling myself to just take a sick day and deal with the consequences later - but the guilt would settle in and I just don't work up the courage to actually do it.. Instead I do end up turning up to work about an hour and a half late which people get even more pissed off at me about. But as I keep telling myself in my head better late then never - and in my case - showing up at all.

Other than my work being so very hectic... I'm not sleeping because I'm so busy and because it worries me. I love my sleep so it's making me even more grumpy. I just can't help it - it seems that I'm heading around in a terrible circle and just don't know how to stop.

I have a girl at work that is planning her trip overseas at the moment; and I seem to be wishing it was me. I would love to just pack everything up here in Sydney and just work and travel overseas. I would love it if my boyfriend could come with me... But this little dream of mine just doesn't seem to be coming true or happening at all.
My partner as I've probably mentioned once or twice does live at home with his parents - he does have a gambling problem and as a result of this has a rather large debt that he is paying off. So I just can't see him heading off with me long term. I don't try to ever think of things in a long term type of way - but it seems to be happening more and more - and I'm just not too sure if its ever going to happen for my partner and me.

Anyway thats my rant... Hope you enjoy.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

J

The Weight Issue

I know I need to loose weight. At the moment it seems thats all I can think about. Its not that I'm hugely over weight... Not for my height anyway - but I have a little muffin top and for some reason it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon.

When I say for some reason its not going anywhere I must admit that I'm not helping to prevent it from getting any smaller - but could be helping it get worse.

I've been watching the biggest looser and just wish that like their every weigh in, I could have the same weight loss... But at this point I'm at a steady.

So while I have everyone listening; as of tomorrow I'm going to try and loose weight.

The Rental War

This is some what of a random topic to be honest... But there is a rental war happening in Sydney people and its getting pretty bad.
I live in a nice modern 2 bedroomed apartment 20 minutes out of Sydney. My rent has just been put up... Which i find annoying. I've been living in Sydney for 4 years now and not once has a rental property that I've lived in ever had the rent put up. Its annoying because I pay so much already.
So I ended up talking to a friend of mind regarding this last weekend - she said that another of her friends that I know of has just moved out of her one bedroomed place and when she had people looking at the place the people were in bidding wars for a rental property.
People were giving deposits right then and there... They were saying that they don't mind if they pay more rent then is offered to have the place secured to them. In the end the person that took over that one bedroomed place is paying $150 extra a week... not a month people... A week.

I'm staying put with this place at the moment... I'm just going to pay my $40 a week extra and think that I've got the better end of the deal.

The Waitress

Last night my boyfriend and I decided that because it was Friday night we would go out for some drinks and dinner - at the moment this is happening every night. Every night we have convinced our selves that we are having a bad day or a good day so we should go out for some drinks and treat ourselves to a dinner out. Monday night I received a payrise and he had a bad day at work - so we decided a few drinks and Thai was in order. Tuesday was really busy and i was rather stressed but liking the fact that Wednesday was a public holiday so we ended up going out for a few drinks and French. Thursday night my lover had a great day at work and I was so proud of him that we decided to go out for a few drinks and Mexican. Then last night it was Friday so we decided to go out for a few drinks (these drinks here on the Friday night is what I'm really wanting to talk about) and after our drinks we decided to go out for a nice Spanish meal. Talk about a week of eating and drinking - and I'm trying to loose weight.

Ok now getting back to last nights drinks before we ended up going out for dinner... We stopped off at a really nice classy bar in the city - one I haven't been to before - but one that my boyfriend has been to previously with one of his friends.
The night that he had been there was the night before his 29th birthday - and as a result he didn't make it back to my house until around 3am as he had been at the casino blowing all his money. So I do remember the night that he had been to that bad; though I wasn't there.

So last night we were having a great chat, he was talking about his day, I was talking about mine. I needed to go to the bathroom so I trotted off on my own. When i came back the waitress was talking to my boyfriend. I said hello - thinking she was getting a drink. But my boyfriend proceeded to introduce me to her and she decided to add that she remembers him from his birthday...

My head starts to go a million miles an hour because his birthday was a month ago. But she remembers his name... His first name right off the top of her head. I've done waitressing before and only remember the locals to be honest. But then she proceeds to flirt with him while I'm there saying he's such a cheeky boy (right now I'm thinking back off is in order - but I don't). My boyfriend starts to feel a little uncomfortable and said while I'm half way through my glass of red he's ready to go grab some dinner.
In the end we leave... But now in the back of my head and all night at dinner i was wondering what happened that night with her. Because she remembers him. Supposedly he was really drunk and must have been giving banter...

Still it makes me jealous. He's never cheated on me... And personally I don't think its his style. But it makes me feel insecure that the night that he didn't make it back to my house until 3am a girl was flirting with him.

J

That sinking feeling!

Its sunday night and I have that sinking feeling in my stomach! It means that I have to get up in the morning and head off to work... Ahhh personally I don't actually want too! I know I'm supposed to be really excited about heading into work; I've got a new promotion... And they are really keen for me to prove myself, but to be honest I just don't really want to be there any more...

I don't know if its the people that I really like, or if it is actually the job. Anyway I wish my weekend wasn't ending and I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

Oh for the feeling to be that I was waking up for Saturday morning.

Riddle Riddle Riddle

As part of my new blog I've decided to put in some riddles and see if anyone out there can get them... So here is my first riddle & let me know if anyone can guess it...

I can sizzle like bacon, I am made with an egg, I have plenty of backbone but lack a good leg. I peel layers like onions but I still remain whole. I can be long like a flag pole yet I fit in a hole.

The big issues

Through the week i attended a foundation evening with the ladies... I never liked this foundation, but the company that i work for support the foundation and us PA's have to be involved in organising some of the fundraising for the foundation and what not. The foundation ends up choosing different charities to help support through out the year and we have to help in the end raise money for that charity.

with my new promotion i have to support this foundation as well and be more involved in the fund raising... As the girl who has just left our company used to deal with it all. Anyway I ended up attending a ladies evening through the week and i went in with an open mind and thought this is a great thing - and its something exciting to be involved in.

So after a drink and some nibbles we ended up listening to some guest speakers for the charity and how this charity has helped change their lives. As a result I ended up having tears running down my face - I thought that it was so horrible some of their stories. But thought that it was also a fantastic look at inner strength and how it can get you through the most difficult tasks. I think I happened to be the only lady that had tears running down her face; but i was honestly really touched and hated the thought that visitors that come into our country can have such a hard time.

This weekend I'm putting together a proposal to put forward to my boss to get the company behind this charity and raise as much money as we can.

Fingers crossed because I really hope I can make a difference.

Entry for 17 April 2007 - I got a promotion!

Yep you read it correct - I got a promotion. I've currently been in the new position for 2 weeks and i have to say its a lot more difficult than i thought. I'm currently a PA for 3 managers and an administrative assistant for 6 other people within my team. Its a hell of a lot of work - but something that i'm dealing with... And with a little fine tuning of my time management skills - i think i can get there.

Other than my promotion not a lot more has been happening... I'm on holidays from Uni. Only for 2 weeks - but i haven't had to go to classes right over the other side of town - so i've enjoyed it.

I haven't had a chance to catch up with a lot of my friends - so i've been missing them a little... Just sticking to myself and doing a few things around home (just trying to get on top of all the grooling type of every day things).

One thing that i do have to say is pissing me off is the fact that my rents been put up - I'm living in a nice little apartment... But once again its a lot of money for what i get. And i pay more rent than my house mate - but since the rent is going up, i'm going to make him go half's with me because i shouldn't be the only one that pays so much bloody rent.

Just a short one today - i'm tired and need to chill out for the rest of the night...

:)

Entry for 15 April 2007 - Through the darkness i can now see the light

If a few of you have been reading this blog for a while; you'll be aware that i have a few problems with my boyfriend every now and again... But i have to admit that from the darkness that i'm going to call my past 2 weeks with my boyfriend, its now becoming all good again.
I hate it when we go through our down periods (though i guess every couple and relationship does) - but i have to say that i really love it when we come out at the other end and we end up being a stronger couple for it. And you can always tell when your overcoming the problems and things are just starting to settle down once again. For me that was last night and the fun that we ended up having.

I think if i could ever give anyone some relationship advice it would be that don't walk away too quickly. Sometimes you should; i'm not saying that i'm perfect for sticking around the whole time and putting up with a lot of the crap... But at the end of the day he also sticks around with my crap as well... and half the time i don't even know that i do half the things that i do... And he can be such a good boyfriend that he tells me that i don't annoy him at all... Geez i annoy me some days so thats pretty loving if you ask me.

I don't classify myself as a judgmental type of person; I think i'm easy going and also pretty relaxed with a good opened mind. I know when i first came to the city that i meet some really nice people. I can't say that we all had the best and healthy life styles happening... But now i work with a girl that also currently has the life style (sort of) like my old one. And for some reason i don't mind hearing about it; but i'm just really glad thats not me any more.
I admit that i do go out and party a lot; more than the average person usually... But it doesn't mean that i try and keep all my usual habits a little normal.

I think all in all i've had a great weekend... And i'm glad that my relationship happenes to be right back on track where it should be.

Entry for 11 April 2007 - My new addiction for the Month

I have to put my had up in the air and say that i'm addicted to podcasting... I know it sounds rediculus, but its true... I'm loving it at the moment and can't get enough of downloading it all...I have 3 favourites that i do end up updating every night.

Its nice to listen to conversations - now i don't have to on the train or at the gym... I just listen to the ones i download and get a great laugh out of them.

Just thought i would share my new thrill for the month :)

Entry for 09 April 2007 - Dreams

Last night i had a dream that i was pregnant with 2 lots of twins (i'm unsure of what it is... quadlets or something????) anyway i was pregnant with 4 children last night. I had 2 of those large prams in my lounge room of my house that i don't know where it is... And all i really remember of my dream is that i was so so very upset and all i did was cried. I don't know if the father of my children were my current boyfriend or if i was just on my own. But i didn't like the feeling of that dream at all. Which i have to say has got me thinking all day long about children and do i really want them?!?!?!

I have a girl / woman / chick what ever you want to call her - i have a work college that is pregnant at the moment who is 26 years old and her and her husband are over the moon. I wonder if i would ever be happy like that. Will i ever have one of those partners that would be responsible enough with his money that we would plan into the future? My current boyfriend isn't like that - though he is a little older than myself.

This Easter long weekend has got me thinking many different things and has really got me thinking that i don't know what i want out of life any more. Or even yet i don't know how i want my life to plan out. I'm usually one of those people that would go yep i would like to travel or have children by this age. But now i don't know what i want; and all its doing is swimming around in my head and its sending me crazy.

I'll explain a little about my long weekend - Friday was fantastic. I went to a fancy restaurant with my boyfriend and ended up eating fish and having some beers and just a great day. By the time we got back to his house later that afternoon the alcohol was wearing off and we were snoozing on the couch. It was a great day of food, alcohol and great company.

Saturday was where we were going to just relax a little and study as we both have assignments that need to be done. As a result we went out to some shopping centers because of the terrible weather and decided not to study at all... We then ended up going to the pub to visit one of my boyfriends good friends that has just got back from overseas from working. This guy is a nice guy, he does have a problem with gambling. By the end of the night i ended up hating my boyfriends friend - and my boyfriend and i were fighting and had a terrible night. I broke up with him - followed by getting back together (personally i think i'm just a little weak at times - but i'm honestly really in love with him which drives me a little crazy.

Sunday and monday was talking about our problems and actually getting along a lot better.

Anyway at the end of the day i'm just a little unsure if i know what i want - and if i stay with my boyfriend will i get what i want out of my life. All i do know is that he is special and i want to try and make it work.

There thats my bitch once again! Does anyone else have boyfriend problems?????? If so please please give me some advice.

Entry for 18 March 2007 - I want i want i want!!!!!

Some times i think of myself as a pretty selfish type of person. Not saying that i don't think of other people because i do... But some times i just look at my life and wish for a few different things. One of these things being that i wish that i was in the position where i could afford to live on my own. I'm not saying that i have a bad house mate at all, because deep down i know i'm lucky and i shouldn't really complain. But there are times where i wish that i could just come home and get down to my knickers and bra and do my house work... or that in the middle of the night when i need a drink of water i don't have to think about putting clothes on (it just wakes me up that little more than i need to be). I just wonder when my life is going to change from being struggle to feeling a little more comfortable.

Another want is the fact that i would love to be my own boss - or be in the position where i'm a little more demanded career wise. I must admit that i'm starting to build mine, but i just want that little more. You know where i can just waltz into work at 10.30am and i don't really have to justify it to any one else. Or go to those really long lunch meetings and meet up with clients. and have clients ring me... Not just sales people. I'm not to sure if anyone else feels like this at times - other than my boyfriend... But i want a better job. Or a career not just a job.

I wish that i had already completed my course and i was getting all the rewards... This is all related to my career - and seems that i could talk about this all day long, i'm going to stop.

I wish that my basis of friends were a little better. Don't get me wrong i do have a great bunch of friends - i don't see them all as much as i used too. But my life has changed a lot that i just don't get to see them. I'll pain that picture for you all so you can understand. I had a great bunch of friends when i first moved here - i meet a majority of them at my second job that i took up because i couldn't afford life in the city. There were heaps of us, and because we all used to live around the corner from one another - we all used to hang out all the time... And when we weren't hanging out we would just pop up to the pub and someone was there. I ended up moving in with one of the guys that i meet through everyone at the pub. Soon enough he and i were actually seeing each other also.. My advice is to never have a relationship or sleep with a friend..> it just get complicated. So as the story goes, I didn't end up wanting to be with him any longer. The relationship was really hard for me - he was a little older... But he was also pretty controlling. He didn't want me to see our friends without him being there. I ended up trying to break up but would always go back because i felt so guilty. Anyway 18 months ended up passing us by and I moved out of the house we were sharing and needed my own space. It was a chance for me to start to break away so to speak. Anyway once we had finally broken up - and this was because i meet my current boyfriend. I knew what i wanted and my ex wasn't it... As horrible as it sounded for some reason i just fell for my now boyfriend (and yep we have actually been together for about 18 months). Ok so now i've broken up with my ex and all our friends have pretty much sided with him.
i'm not saying that i don't see any of them - I do - but they are better friends with him. And they also don't really like my new boyfriend. And as a result i don't see them all... And now i'm finding it really hard to make new friends.
But the friends that i do have are rather special to me... Thats for sure.

I also want to see my family a lot more - i don't live in the same state as them and i'm really missing them. I never thought that so long after living away from them all i would still really miss them... And i do!!! I just wish that i could afford to see them a lot more.

Oh and my selfish want is that i want all my weight to come off me - but that one i also have to work at...

As i'm realising more and more - I actually have to work at most things in life they aren't going to be hanged to me on a silver platter. But i guess thats life and thats the challenge of life. I guess this is what makes it more interesting, because once that list has all been satisfied and accomplished I'm sure there are going to be other wants and wishes.

J x x

Entry for 25 February 2007 - Trust

I'm not sure if i've mentioned in my previous entries that i have a boyfriend. He and i have been together for a little over 18 months. This weekend he is away at a bucks weekend away in a completely different state. I'm not going to picture our relationship as perfect because its anywhere near. We have our ups and downs like most couples. But at the end of the day we are pretty strong.

I was worried about how i would be this weekend without him; would stupid little things be swimming in my head all weekend that i will be a mess. Lack of sleep and with my very active imagination i was thinking by the time he catches his flight home on sunday night i would have thought that he will be bringing his new girlfriend home... And they will be engaged or something like that. (Leave me with my thoughts and anything could pretty much happen). Anyway he weekend has come and guess what i'm actually ok. If anything i've had a great weekend getting back to being me and doing what ever i want. I knew that he was going to strippers on the saturday night. But still i slept like a baby.

Now the whole point of the story is that i actually trust my boyfriend and am actually pretty confident that he and i are ok even after have been fighting most of the week before he went away. It was nice to spend some time on my own. It was nice just to have a little space. And at the end of all that i forgot what i used to be like before i meet him.

With my previous boyfriends i don't think i was ever really ok if they went away for a weekend. Always at the back of my mind would be what if he cheats on me. I don't want them to leave me... Blah Blah Blah and the story goes on.
But if anything at the end of this weekend - I'm sitting in my lounge room on a sunday afternoon wondering if i'm ok. Or is it just that i've got more mature. Or is it that the relationship that i'm in right now is a lot healthier then my previous ones. I feel like because i'm not stressing about our relationship something might be a little wrong with me. And it makes me question do i care enough about my lover that i'm not worrying. Its actually a really strange feeling - and all i can think about is that i trust him enough to not question about his boys weekend away. I hope many of you out their are in the same type of relationship.

Entry for 29 January 2007 - Public Transport Troubles

I'm a big public transport user. I personally don't have many problems with CityRail to be honest. Seems i live in the city they are pretty frequent, and when there isn't a train there is always a trusty bus to get me into the city. Though i must confess that i often blame CityRail if i'm running late to work; i'll always just text my other work mates or my boss and say there are delays at Central station and i'll probably be about 15 mins late... Bloody CityRail. But to be completely honest it isn't city rail its usually i'm too tired to get out of bed on time... I have a hang over where i need to actually stay in bed that half an hour extra. Or it ends up being that i'm enjoying my morning sex with my lover.

But my problem today was that while i was sharing a 3 seater with one other woman... And i was reading some random things that I printed off from work... I was enjoying not really being pushed around by a 3rd person.
But then 2 stops before mine; someone came and sat in the spare seat in the middle... And please don't be thinking that the problem is that i have to have someone sitting next to me. The problem is that the guy was a fat little rapper. When he sat down he also sat half on me and half on the other lady that was on the other side.

I'm not the smallest person in the world, actually i could put me at being above average on my own weight (and yes i'm doing something about this; i'm back to the gym as my "new years resolutions") - but with saying this if i know that i'm not going to squeeze into a spot on the train or on the bus for that matter; i would prefer to stand then make the other people around me uncomfortable.

Do you think that I'm being selfish in saying that i wish the guy didn't sit down next to me because he squashed me and he also squashed the other woman next to me. Small things like this really get on my nerves. And it doesn't matter if its someone that i don't know; I also find it annoying when my lover will push his way onto a seat on the train or bus and isn't even a gentelmen at times to see if i would prefer the seat (and most of the time i'll say no, he can sit there because he prefers to sleep and not deal with the fact that he is actually going to work for the day. Even though its only 5 stops on the train)

Anyway thats my gripe with the fat guy that was on my train that sat on me... I didn't enjoy it; and i wish i could have just kicked him!!!

Entry for 28 January 2007 - The office crush?!?!?!

I'm the first to admit that yep i have an office crush... He's sweet, funny and some what sexy in his own little way. I can remember when i first got my crush on him, it was on the friday of the first week that i started at my job. We were all standing / sitting in the office common room / kitchen. I was having a beer and just chatting to him. I hadnt noticed him before this time as he worked down the other end of the office and was out and about and not really in the office much that week. But yep as soon as i got chatting to him i realized that in some ways i'm still like a teenage girl... I still get a crush.

So now as time has gone on, he has a girlfriend, i've had a boyfriend the whole time. My crush hasn't really settled at all. I still get some what butterflies when i see him. I enjoy talking to him when i'm at work. But our relationship (if you can call it that) that we've built up over the last 12 months isn't really a love relationship as such... its more of a great friendship. If someone is pissing me off at work, or if i think that the whole world is crushing in on my shoulders, he's the first person that i'll email or go talk to. One because he'll always talk back to me... But second of all because he does the same with me.

So fellow viewer / readers (even though there aren't all that many of you) i'm going to ask you all a question... Do you think its normal to have an office crush? I don't find it to be all that harmful to be honest. I've never crossed the line, and either has he. But i wonder sometimes (in an "i'm not up myself kinda way") does he have a crush on me also... It could be possible. Now people don't get me wrong at all... I actually have more male friends than female friends... its something that has happened to me since childhood. I've never really had that many close females in my life. I find them more difficult to connect with, and i also hate the bitchiness and everything that goes on behind one another backs.

Personally my verdict at the end of the day is that i think its healthy to have an office crush. No one has to know. People some times suspect things but through it out the window because i have a lover or boyfriend of 18 months now... He has a girlfriend of how ever long himself. Grate mates or crush either way you look at it... I think its nice!

Entry for 18 January 2007 - Do you enjoy your job?!?!

I know that there are a lot of people out there in the same situation as me... You don't really enjoy your job, you might just be holding on to the thought that one day you might start to enjoy it... or even better yet you might be promoted to a different division of the company. I'm one of those people; I find that i don't really enjoy my job... But i like some (and that is a very few some) of people that i work with that just makes me want to stay right where i am... Or maybe I'm in a comfort zone and am fine to be plodding along in a mindless job that some times drives me up the wall...
I must admit that since the new year has hit; i've been thinking about this even more... i'm going to personally blame it on the concept of new years resolutions which switches your mind to a whole different other level which makes you feel like you need to do something with your life...
So getting back to my predicament of a mindless job i ask the question do you stay in the hope that something different is going to come upon us in the future... Or do you just go stuff it and find something new... where it could have a lot more people that you like????
For the time being; I think i'm going to stay put... I can feel new things on the horizon (and this i know for a fact) and i'm going to see how it goes... But along with my new years resolutions (as every year there are many) - i'm going to sit just that little longer... see if i could be right about the changes in the future, but if i'm wrong i'm going to be annoyed with myself for holding out that little longer when i could have been gripping onto something that could / would / maybe some what better...