Spinning

My life is full of funny little things at the moment - I have a boyfriend that is 29 and that keeps going out and gambling. For the second time this month I've had to take home and make his mother deal with it - I've been dealing with this for so long and now I'm unsure of what to do. How do I do this - I'm scared that if he does keep doing it then I'm going to be dragged down with him as well. How do you know what to do - how do you know what the right thing to do is.

I bumped into my ex last night - he was with his new flower of a girlfriend... It was strange that I didn't feel anything for him - I'm unsure if he seen me or anything. It was just passing by - no words exchanged or anythingn like that... It had been the first time I've seen him in around 12 months. Strange to be honest.

Work is crap - I feel home sick from my family... and all of a sudden I feel like my worlds a little out of control. Anyway a gambling boyfriend, a witch storming up a few troubles at work - and all I feel like doing is hiding away.

The Gambling Issue

It happened again - but this time when I seen it it was worse than ever before. Every time I see it, its different and never the same. Maybe I just want to close my eyes and not see what is really going on. He gambled again, my lover. It was worse than anything I had seen because we were out having a few drinks after dinner with a girlfriend of mine from work. He was gone for about 45 minutes - maybe a little less. When I went upstairs to see him - he was doing it. He has issues with this - and I'm not sure how to help any more. Or if this is what I want in a partner. He pushed me away and said such horrible things - it wasn't until I pushed him in the taxi and he had 5 minutes to think about what he was doing that he started to break down and realise that he has really messed up. For once I actually called his bluff and worked up the courage to tell his parents. He's heading back to counciling as of tomorrow. But what abotu me? I know that this isn't all about me; but what should I do when he does this? I feel pushed away and I don't know how I can help and what I should be thinking.

Apart from all this I still love him. My love for him probably gets stronger because I know that he has faults and I know that I'm not perfect either. At the end of the day I always think that I can help him with this - but I can't and he needs to get it professionally.

Can love over come everything - or am I young and just dumb in all this and need to get out now while I still can. I'm not sure if any other girlfriends are out there and have to deal with this - or if they are as forgiving. Why do i still love him after all this??? I just can't work it out any more.

The Sopranos

This is my favorite show of all time - I've been following ever since the show came out. This is the last season - and it all wrappes up. I have a lot of history with this show. Strange to think that of a TV program but its true.
When I was with my ex boyfriend he and I went though a pretty rough patch (hence why he's my ex) - we ended up going through this thing where when I was over at his house he used to ignore me - I put up with it for such a long time - I'm going to say a good 6 months or something. Anyway while I was over; I ended up watching The Sopranos while he would pretty much ignore me. Firstly this was the way that I ended up enjoying the show so much.

Also my dad used to buy me a set every Christmas - then after Lunch I would just go and lay in bed and watch some episodes.

I love it... And its sad that this is the final season.

The Lie

How would you react to your boyfriend telling you a lie???? Through the week my boyfriend said that he was going the footy with the boys from work - last night I was told that he's actually only going with the new girl in the office and her friends.

So why lie about it? I wouldn't stop him - I think its a nice thing that he's being nice to a new person within his company. I don't have a problem with him being friends with anyone. I do have a problem with him telling me a lie because he thinks I'm going to stop him from doing what he wants.

Funny thing is that I wouldn't have a problem with it at all - but I do now because it feels like he's keeping something from me. Maybe I am over reacting - but I said he could go - and I told him to have a great time. I just hate the fact that he feels like he needs to lie to me. I thought I was a great girlfriend that just wouldn't be worried about that.

Anyway I hope he has fun and they all have a great time - I'm here in the comfort of my warm home watching the game - not the same but oh well really.

While I may sound pretty ok about the whole thing I'm actually a little worried - I love him and I hope he's not cheating on me. I guess time will only tell. I'm not going to let it get me down - as hurtful as the thought is.

Another big week in the city

Another celebratory week in the city - for the second time this month I've received a pay rise... Woohoo - the hard work that I'm putting in is paying off. And it makes me feel fantastic. Not only the money but I'm getting a great deal of job satisfaction - its a nice challenge.

A difficult situation that I feel that I've been put up for is the fact that Friday had an announcement that the witch thats only just joined the company (and I call her that becasue she can act like it at times - but also looks like one) - is talking over the administrative manager. She's not completely my manager - but I do have to take not of what she has to say to me at times. This part of my life I will keep you posted about because I'm sure that its going to be interesting.

The weekend consisted of me being lazy and not doing a great deal - I miss my weekend. I hate monday's - and I usually hate work on a monday. It takes until wednesday for me to get into the swing of things with work.

At the moment works is just really busy with work - but I at the moment the little side stories of people are on a low. I don't have enough time to really pay attention to these things. I'm not saying that its a bad thing or anything like that. People's personalities will come out and irritate me more... Stay tuned!

J

Devil Woman

Maybe devil woman is an over exaggeration type of thing - but I'm not kidding my work place is over the top! I have a girl at work that I'm now going to call Devil Woman when I refer to her... She and I have worked together for over 12 months now - during this time we have become close and became great friends.

I've known that this person is a moody person but its been taken to a new extream when I don't feel like I can confront her at work. She is so moody and very very horrible and rude to people. Its so annoying.

I know myself that I can get in bad moods - I don't deny that what so ever. But I will not call myself a moody person. She is a moody person and its difficult to be around.

Now I'm on the mind set that because I'm busy I'm not going to worry about it - its sad really when work gets in between friendships and things like that... I hate the fact that I can't see that our friendship will be the same again - I can't say never - but I know that I'll be a little more reserved around her now. I don't think that anyone should have to deal with this type of thing - and I believe that I shouldn't either.

Darker side of the city Part 1

This city is hard to grab hold of - this is Sydney for the people that don't recognise it. And just like most cities it comes with some warnings. Coming from the country I found it really difficult to begin with - and the really sad thing now is that the things that I found really difficult don't bother me any more and I hardly ever think of those things.

Homelessness has never stared me right in the face like it does in this city. When I first moved here it used to break my heart, I used to give money when I could. I used to look the homeless in the eye and smile - because I felt like I could hold my head up high because I hadn't done anything wrong and I'm a good person.

But along the way I don't really look at these people that I might pass about 5 times a week... I very rarely look them in the eye any more and I hardly ever give a begger off the street any money. I still don't think of myself as a bad person. But I guess i don't leave my house every day now and think that I can change the world.

I don't know if its a disappointing feeling or a feeling that is good that I can deal with life. Half the time I can hardly look after myself; but with saying that I do have a roof over my head and if i don't have any money - it will only be a couple of days or even a day until my money does come into my account.

4 years ago when i chose to move to Sydney I don't think i really thought about how it would effect me. For sure I've grown up and I'm a more independent and strong headed woman than i ever thought - but on the other hand I do think what if i stayed living in my home town and I lived at home with my parents or had a place of my own where the rent is cheaper and I could actually think of doing a little more with my life. I would love to travel over seas and have a huge adventure. The down side of living in an expensive city is the fact that i don't feel like i'll be able to afford to do this any time soon.

Its a sad realization for a Monday evening - but one that I do often think about...

Where is my future heading????? Anyone like to help me on this one????

Ok well time for bed - good night bloggers.

J xoxoxox